Published on April 5th, 2013 | by Tevin Christopher0
College Parties Aren’t Movies
It was all a myth. The college house parties I used to watch in movies (National Lampoon: Dorm Daze, American Pie, Animal House) are nothing like the house parties today.
If you’re still in high school, don’t expect crazy house parties with bathroom encounters (National Lampoon—gross, those bathrooms are filthy) and threesomes aren’t regular encounters, man– you’ll have to plot and work your way into some sort of mutual arrangements. Also, I’ve yet to witness anyone do lines of any strange white substances off the stomachs of naked girls (The Social Network did seem fictional, right?) and none of my friends have gotten arrested yet… well, that’s another story.
The college parties I’ve been to this year were nothing more than drunken mosh pits of thirsty youths tugging for the last drop of jungle juice, with packed lines of keg strategists ready to stampede and pour multiple cups for their friends, and the constant maneuvering of impatient drunks who have absolutely no manners. After the second ‘excuse me’ I’m just going to turn around and slap you, because if there were space to move I would move. OKAY?!
I’ve met some good people from partying, though. The good people at parties are interesting but simple. It’s either all a performance of the Hunger Games or the Thirst Olympics—are you there to extend the list of people you’ve slept with or there with an insatiable, alcoholic thirst to finish every last fill of jungle juice for your moneys worth? The mission is simple: get fucked or get fucked up.
Of course with every large group function, there’s LOSERS. We all know one; the arrogant shit talker just waiting for you to brush their shoulder so they can exert some form of impeccable manhood. The one’s you’re not too sure what kind of extreme drugs they’re on at a house party. if their eyes are rolled into the back of their heads and their speech is incoherent. And anyone who starts a long, ear-shouting conversation with me when I’m drunk will get the “Shut up. I’m here to get drunk and make small talk, but maybe we can do lunch?”
But the only way to tell if a party is successful is based on one thing: the women. It’s true, give one girl a cup of alcohol and she might smile, but put her in a room with even more girls and guys and watch her go BUCKWILD. There’s either far too few and the awkward vibe of a ‘sausage fest’ fills the air or emotionally unstable ones begging for another sip, another kiss, or another man. I, too, have lost count of how many crying girls I’ve seen at parties—it’s a new form of penis envy that have crazed women believing that an empty arm equals #foreveralone. Wrong! You can be drunk, single and lonely, and still have a good time.
Maybe I’m the only one who notices these things because I never drink to get seriously fucked up because I’ve been there before—confrontation with a stupid drunk, being too honest with someone’s friend, and the fact that I know young adults act stupid at parties and cops love shutting shit down.
“Oh shit, is that a cop?” – “Yes it is” and like that, 300 screaming college kids exit out of a door meant for one and break into someone else backyard. But in all seriousness, party safe and don’t embarrass yourselves. I’ve learned, if it starts tasting like water simply put down the vodka.