Published on April 3rd, 2013 | by Tevin Christopher


Facebook Me!

Facebook didn’t always used to be the life sucking, self-aggrandizing tool that it is today. In fact, at one point it was just a simple social medium of friendly bumper sticker exchanges, wall-to-wall posts, and status updates that read: ‘is chillin, out. htc’

But as friendship circles expanded and physical communication dwindled the ‘Facebook me!’ invitation launched the website into the social masturbation that ruins lives. It’s not all bad thought, it delivers the purest feeling of guilt-free stalking that allows you to meet your roommate before actually meeting them, and, of course, access to an excessive amount of information on any ex, long-lost connection, or one night stand.

However, these are the people you wish you never added and are close to being deleted.

The Pathological Profile Picture Changer— The constant reminder that Ruth DaSloot has ‘changed her profile picture’ again can be annoying. Okay, I get it; you have multiple looks and a false sense of belief that your profile picture should reflect your current mood and mental state at the time.

The Grammatically Challenged— It’s not that I’m on patrol for the Grammar Police, but there’s absolutely no reason why a 20 year old shouldn’t know the difference between they’re, their, and there.

The Anti-Agenda/Government Fundamentalist—These are the wise, the brave, and the very few willing to make claims about all the things they know the government is hiding and they can usually prove it with any 4 hour video on Youtube uploaded by someone they don’t know. If the government really wanted to hide something, they would. Exhibition A: aliens.

The Attention Seeker – Some exist online for one purpose and one purpose only: to get attention! The newsfeed is theirs and as for long as they’re online, it is totally necessary to reply a page-long narrative to the simple ‘What’s on your mind?’ or publish an annoying cry for attention in the form of: ‘OMG LIFE SUCKS, WHY ME? WTF. SAD DAY. DON’T TXT IT. EVER.’ but then when asked, “are you okay?” – “I don’t wanna talk about it.” This group also includes anyone who posts their JUST WORKED OUT photo, pictures of their un-born baby’s sonogram, and status updates reminding us that someone gave them a compliment today.

The Photojournalists—Equipped with an iPhone and Instagram filter hot keys that are @ the speed of light and the belief that every moment in life has to be documented. These photo-savvy few will terrorize your news feed with updates of their every encounter with a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich, along with the 4,000 photos from the party they obviously attended last night.

The Copy & Paster—It’s not the fact that none of your statuses are funny and that you copied it from a comedian that we’ve all heard before, but it’s the fact that your friends are dumb enough to think that you are original.

The Revolutionist—Leave it up to any member of this group to remind you why fighting for gay rights, or saving sick infants in third-world countries is important to you by the one click of changing their profile picture. How about actually taking a trip to DC, or said country, doing a fundraiser and actually lobbying for such change? Okay, great!

See, the power in Facebook is that it’s everyone’s and nobody’s business. We’re almost at the entrance of an era where a social media image will doctrine your representation, instead of who you actually are—in person. Maybe what keeps me from deleting almost everyone is the thought that, it is just Facebook …and that’s why I prefer twitter!

About the Author

There's fewer things I like more in life than my own opinion, attention, and perfectly soaked Frosted Flakes cereal. But there's also my love of music and my aspirations to becoming a writer, so that explains my fascination with entertainment writing.

One Response to Facebook Me!

  1. Sasalafleur says:

    Hahaha! This post was brilliant my love! Every aspect of it was so real & rang true. Love the satirist approach, gave me a good laugh and a lot to think about !

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